The Shortsman NarrativeThe formation of the Guild of Pants occurred in 1766, in London. The founding members were Pants H., Hole, P and Shirt T.. It was conceived with the notion of promoting the use of pants, be it long or short, among men of all social classes in England. Even though the word "Pants" was considered vulgar during their time, the association was revolutionary, as it was the first time anybody in the world had seen advertising, also known as "spam", being carried out which promoted so many varieties of pants. Favourites included black pants, black with grey stripes pants, holy pants, holey pants, black with dark-grey pants, black with pink dots pants, no pants and flaming pants. Soon enough, it had gained popularity amongst haggard grandfathers and amnesic grandmothers due to the viral marketing and promptly set up a specialty tailor's shop and a haberdashery under the guild's name. In the summer of 1767, the Guild became so big that it had to create branches, with each branch consisting of more than several hundred members each. The elite's elite branch was called The Order of the Pants, lead by Sir Shirt. Members of the Order would go around helping people with everyday tasks in addition to spreading Pantsfusion, or "The Way of the Pants", a term coined by Words M. of Ireland in 1766. However as the saying goes, power corrupts, and in the winter of 1767 Sir Shit declared himself independent from the main branches, The High Order of Pantsmikazi (Divine Pants), and The Order of Toms, Dicks and Harries, led by the other two founding members, Pants H. and Hole. P.. Each branch built up an army of "Pantswarriors" and waged war, with Pants and Hole working together against Sir Shit.
Hole was never in the pink his whole life, and the cold winter of 1768 took his life in a field camp. Pants dissolved The Order of Toms, Dicks and Harries and recruited the top warriors from it to be Pants Crackers, the equivalent of crack commandos squads today. They wore shorts, and occasionally the odd shirt with blood stains of slain enemies to the battlefield. Their skill and bravery is most noted in the celebrated victory at The Well-Dressed Mare Inn, where four Pants Crackers took down an entire horde of Sir Shit's warriors, now called Shirt-Warriors. This earned them the nickname "Shortsmen", a terrible play on the word "Swordsman".
However it was not a happy ending, as Sir Shit massed an even larger army after that humbling defeat, via promises of cushy government jobs, wooden jewelry, a full-expenses paid vacation to Lucre Island and a free haircut at the famous Barbery Coast. The massive army overran the noble defenses of Pants and pulverized the ranks of his Pantswarriors. They went on to conquer the whole of England and several territories surrounding England; they still rule the region to this day. Pants was forced to retreat into submission and he organised a resistance, and it still exists. The resistance is called "Pants' Resistance" (not the most creative name ever) and its fighters, Shortsmen, in honor of the brave warriors of Pantsmikazi.
Chapter I: It is I
Dick lunged forward at the evil man with his fists. Within a second of contact, the lanky man slumped down onto the concrete sidewalk with a resounding thud. The evil man was snatching a piece of candy from a baby in a pram; this was against Dick's philosophy. Dick hated everyone who "stole candy from a baby". It was simply against his philosophy. Even though the evil man was bigger than him, he had leapt at the man to liberate the candy from this evil man. He would return the piece of candy to the baby, who was crying louder and louder with each passing second.
"What the hell is wrong with you? Get away from me and my baby! Bloody hooligan!"
Dick stood up, dusted himself, took a sneak at the evil man and promptly scrambled away from the concrete pavement, back to his house just across the street.
Chapter II: A Warrior is I!
After showing two policemen who interviewed him off, Dick skillfully navigated around pipes, cardboard boxes and paper flyers strewn all across his floor, sat in his couch and mused over the day's happenings. The only light in the room was coming from a dusty window opposite his couch and it so happened to cast a ray of light upon one of the many flyers lying on his concrete floor. He read it out aloud:
"Are you getting bullied by men in disgusting shirts?"
Dick nodded; the evil man was wearing a shirt with Godzilla pictures on it.
"Do you hate them stealing your wenches?"
Even though Dick had no idea what wenches meant, he clearly hated the idea of stealing. He stood up.
"Then come down to our offices in
It was just 2 apartment blocks away from where Dick was staying. Dick was headed for the door by now, almost tripping over a large steel pipe in the process. Once he reached the door, he swung it wide open, went out, slammed the door shut, locked it, tossed the flyer into the air and started walking.
Chapter III: A Gallery of (Not) Shrubbery
The morning air was chilly, as it always was during what Dick thought was the monsoon season. Dick walked briskly - it only took the lesser part of an hour to reach his destination. What greeted him was unexpected - a derelict, run-down wooden house, right in the middle of his neighbourhood. The area he lived in certainly had some history, but he had never seen such an old building before. He creeped up to what seemed to him was the now non-existant entrance, and pipqued, in a cautious tone,
"Hello?"
It took him a minute to finally realise nobody would be inside such a building.
He carefully trod unto the wooden floor and was suddenly surrounded by walls upon walls of pants, and although the colours were faded Dick could tell the pants were of all kinds - blue, red, green, pink and black with pink dots, among countless others. Dick knew he had entered a weird place. What he did not know was that he would become a weird man himself.
To Be Continued...
Chapter 0: 1st July 2006
Chapter I & II: 7th July 2006
Chapter III: 20th December 2009